First timer needing Critique for WOTF piece

You would probably rather someone with a HM to their name, but I'm always open. If you're interested, just drop me a PM.

Sure, I'll take a look. PM me!

I am also willing to take a look as well, send me a PM.

If you're looking for more crits, I'm willing. PM me.

To All:

Thank you so so much for all the offers of support. I ended up sending it to Rueben and he responded with a full critique before I even woke up the next day... then life happened (we sold our house and found a new house to buy and are moving on the 30th of this month (yeah for timing)- assuming escrow goes through)...Hence my disappearing act. Anyways I love that you all are willing to help but I'm pretty sure since I'm moving I wont have much more time to devote to this quarters entry. I edited a bunch of stuff that Rueben showed me (loved the critique by the way - learned a lot - like don't use "as" very much, when you do use it make the action part go first because it flows better and don't use so many adjectives to start sentences)... super helpful stuff for a newbie.

Anyways I'm rambling. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Rein-checks for next quarter?

Shockhawk