Clever Quickies: an exercise in economical writing

Clever Quickies theme for the week: Eaten away from the inside

The holes weren’t visible from the outside. At least Candice hoped not as she pulled on another brittle smile. She felt them, gaping, hollow. There would be an echo if she tried to shout her own name into that empty space.
CL Fors

Deep inside that first black hole, at infinity’s death, the pressure finally passed the awaited threshold needed to birth the universe’s renewal: anti-gravity. Soon, it will grow into magic.

@joebenet I’m not sure how I missed this! Fantastic quickie…how did you feel about it as an exercise? 

Posted by: @clfors

@joebenet I’m not sure how I missed this! Fantastic quickie…how did you feel about it as an exercise? 

"Fantastic quickie?" ... so many jokes, so few cancellations left.

No worries; I just posted it very recently. I'm always down with getting my prose more concise at times. For this oen though, I didn't have an initial idea. Instead, I just thought about the prompt, wrote a few words, and guided it to a point.

@joebenet That’s one of the things I like about the exercise. The size of it just makes it easier to dive right in even when your creative energy and planning are going elsewhere. 

Well, the name does bring up many opportunities for jokes and wordplay ?

the best "Clever Quickie" I know is actually the opening of Metamorphosis:
“As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into an enormous insect.”
it's the hook, right there. 

@angelslayah fantastic example thank you!

And the next bit works even better for me. I like if we can have two sentences at least and maybe a feel of near closure or just the next step to make it almost a mini story. 

(First line)

One morning, as Gregor Samsa was waking up from anxious dreams, he discovered that in bed he had been changed into a monstrous verminous bug. 

(Even this middle bit is effective)

From this height the blanket, just about ready to slide off completely, could hardly stay in place. His numerous legs, pitifully thin in comparison to the rest of his circumference, flickered helplessly before his eyes.

(One could make a quickie of this last bit. If I were doing so I’d add a final short line to close)

“What’s happened to me,” he thought. It was no dream. His
room, a proper room for a human being, only somewhat too small, lay quietly between the four well-known walls.

(Maybe something like this)

What’s happened to me,” he thought. It was no dream. His
room, a proper room for a human being, was just as he’d left it the night before. It was he that had changed upon waking, into something far too large and insect-like for his own bed and the four walls that housed it. (This is a bit long but can be played with and trimmed as needed which I do with my own quickies until I get just the right feel)

@clfors, I found your thread!

Wind whips the willows and chills the ripples on the murky pond. A hand surfaces, then two, fingernails dripping black in the dusk. Your soles are a drumbeat in time to your heartbeat, sprinting down the path toward home. Not. Tonight.

@wahlquistj expertly crafted! I particularly like the beat you ended on that gives us closure but also mystery in such a small snippet. 

I've been working with other writers in the story critique exchange, and with their feedback, I ended up axing nine pages of material from the beginning of my story.

Clearly, my story is too long. But the lesson I've learned fits with the general vibe of this thread: Set your hooks early and deep.

Posted by: @g-l-bertram

I've been working with other writers in the story critique exchange, and with their feedback, I ended up axing nine pages of material from the beginning of my story.

Clearly, my story is too long. But the lesson I've learned fits with the general vibe of this thread: Set your hooks early and deep.

That’s some quality editing! The great part about writing those nine pages in the first place is that now you have more world and character building in your head as you move forward.

@lost_bard Certainly! I don't feel like I've lost anything with all the deleting.

@g-l-bertram then it definitely needed cut! Yes, I agree, hook fast and deep for the most effective writing.

@clfors In the time since I posted that message, I've done about a dozen beta critiques of people's stories. Without fail, I have suggested that every single one of them annihilate (at least) the first three pages of their story. And it's not to be cheeky---it just seems like a really common problem.

The other most common problem is an MC that only seems to do what the plot demands.