Wulf Moon's SUPER SECRETS Workshop & Challenge!

Poop! Sorry Moon. I'm liking this story and seems clear to me now that you guys are correct-since the public can view the forum posts, it would be publication and I'd like to try submitting it to the flash market (not to WotF). But I do thank you for posting the exercise challenge. It was a great motivator and I think I ticked off almost every Moon secret! I am a little concerned I might have an "as you know Bob." Maybe I can just put up that part, with a little surrounding context, and that would be okay?

Well, doing the 999-word Flash or less is only Phase One of the exercise, whether you share or not. If you like what you've created and want to send it out, don't post it. This is a public forum, even though we do have to join to comment. But I don't believe posting a portion of what you want us to look at could be defined as "first publication." Just be careful it's not your WotF entry and has some very specific details that might stick in, say, the mind of first reader Kary if she comes in here and browses.

But those who enrolled for the challenge are invited to complete the exercise by Friday. I've read the work of around half of you now. I am doing this to help you.

All the beast,

Beastmaster Moon

I was late to the challenge, but I like the idea and will still try to do the Flash. Got about half of the story down tonight, but I'm out of time now and need to continue tomorrow.

So here is part of my story--the part that may contain an "as you know Bob." Maybe other problems as well.

They were many lightyears from their destination and at a dead stop.

The nearest comms panel barked to life. “Lee! What the hell happened?” Allison called.

“Allison,” Lee paused. “We’ve dropped out. Where are you?”

“I’m at the Nomura tank. You'd better get down here.”

It took Lee only a few moments to maneuver down one deck and aft. Odyssey was a small vessel: two decks, thirty meters over all, and with eighteen meters of beam.

When he arrived, Allison, the only other crew member, was keying commands into a panel. A screen inside the tank responded by flashing shapes and colors to the Nomura. The animal didn’t seem to be listening. Black swaths of color swirled about its body. It looked like it had goosebumps, except they roiled in waves across its skin.

“What is that? Anger? Confusion,” Lee asked.

“I haven’t seen this. Bits of both I would guess. The communicator doesn’t know how to interpret it.”

The Nomura began flashing other emphatic colors: orange, red, and yellow. Its skin vibrated in prickled bubbles that rose and then quickly fell. Lee recognized “Herd.” He knew this referred to the Nomura’s own extended family group or, in this particular Nomura’s case, to a pod of fellow training animals. The wild Nomura herds plied the great oceans of Lee’s adopted world of New Ceres. The colonists were astounded when they discovered that the Nomura created their own hydrogen and used it to rise into the upper atmosphere. However, that astonishment was nothing compared to their shock upon learning the Nomura then manipulated spacetime to travel to breeding grounds on the second planet in the system. Eventually, Lee’s people developed the communications, navigation, and training protocols necessary to harness the Nomura to move ships. But the incredible discovery would be of little use, he thought, if it ended in disaster every time a long trip was attempted.

Allison worked the panel, her panic raising a sweat.

Lee interrupted, “Perhaps let’s give it some time?”

“You know as well as I do we’re dead stinking meat if we don’t get this Nomura cooperating again. What do we have? Maybe a few weeks of food and water if we stretch things? . . . Why the hell would it stop!”

Oooh, Chuck gave us a pretty big sample. This will be good. Thanks, Chuck! This is an interesting piece, definite SF and interesting creatures and worlds as well!

Before I pull out the bone saws <evil grin> I'm going to ask you to do two things and then post your results.

First, get rid of "saidisms." What's a saidism? "Lee paused." "Lee interrupted." "Allison called." Don't feel bad--this is a comm new writer mistake, and I'll make a SUPER SECRET for it (I'm surprised I haven't yet). Instead of all these modifiers of said, just say said. Said is invisible. He ejaculated is not. You can get away with *he asked* after a question mark--it's kinda' sorta' invisible, but that's it. So go fix all of those, and some punctuation errors if you see them.

Second, read this piece out loud. Listen for anything that clunks, long sentences, anything that makes you stop and reread. Fix it. Reread again, all the way through, until it sounds smooth.

I look forward to seeing your revision!

Thanks for taking the plunge into our hot tub! Come on in! The lava is fine!

Beastmaster Moon

Thanks Wulf. Ugh! I knew about dialog tags. Hard for a noob to keep all this stuff in his little head: dialog tags, "ly" words, repetition of words and structure, to-be verbs . . . "Ack!" the writer exclaimed forcibly.

I decided to go back a little further and give you the beginning of the story.

Dr. Mann Chiu Lee felt it several seconds before he understood what it was. The warp bubble had ceased its warbling hum. With his gut already in knots, he moved to the nearest port. The stars should be blurry streaks. Instead, they twinkled back as individually fixed points of light. “Gods,” he whispered.

Lee pushed off the bulkhead and coasted to the nav station. Maybe they somehow already arrived? Something unexpected was bound to happen on this first long-distance test flight. That something didn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing.

Lee slammed a fist against the console. It didn’t have to be a good thing either, he thought. The news on the screen stared back at him. They were many lightyears from their destination, and at a dead stop.

The nearest comms station barked to life. “Lee! What the hell happened?”

“Allison . . . We’ve dropped out. Where are you?”

“I’m at the Nomura tank. You better come down here.”

It took Lee only a few moments to maneuver down one deck and aft. Odyssey was a small vessel.

When he arrived, he saw Allison, the only other crew member, keying commands into a panel. A screen inside the tank responded by flashing shapes and colors to the Nomura. The animal didn’t seem to be listening. Black swaths of color swirled about its body. It looked like it had goosebumps, except they roiled in waves across its outer skin.

“What is it showing? Anger? Confusion?” Lee asked.

“I haven’t seen this. Bits of both I would guess. The communicator doesn’t know how to interpret it.”

The Nomura began flashing other emphatic colors: orange, red, and yellow. Its skin vibrated in patches of prickly bubbles that rose and fell. Lee recognized one pattern. It meant herd. He knew this referred to the Nomura’s own family group or, in this particular Nomura’s case, a pod of fellow training animals. The wild Nomura plied the greater oceans of Lee’s adopted world of New Ceres. The colonists were astounded when they discovered that the Nomura created their own hydrogen and used it to rise into the upper atmosphere. However, that was nothing compared to their shock upon learning the Nomura then manipulated spacetime to travel to breeding grounds on the second planet in the system. Eventually, Lee’s people developed the technology and training needed to harness the Nomura to move ships. But the incredible discovery would be of little use, he thought, if it ended in disaster every time they attempted a long trip.

Despite the coolness in the room, Allison was sweating. Lee knew she was flashing colors and shapes to the Nomura too quickly.

He touched her on the shoulder. “Perhaps let’s give it some time?” Lee hoped his gesture might have a calming effect.

“You know as well as I do we’re dead stinking meat if we don’t get this Nomura working again. What do we have? Maybe a few weeks of food if we stretch things? . . . Why the hell would it stop!”

Here is my very brief flash story. Chuck, I'll dig into your excerpt in a moment.

Dying of the Light

It was not a grand death.
In fact, it was almost mundane. Movement slowed, lightness faded. Mass once vibrant seeped into thin wisps of vapor and finally into nothingness.
"Well," said the old man. "That just will not do."
He used his cane to step over a prone figure, almost catching the toe of his blue slipper on the outstretched hand. They should not have tried to stop him. Their lack of understanding did not make him wrong, after all. For something as grand as a star, a quiet end would be a universal injustice. He would make it right.
He settled onto the stiff work stool with habit's groan. The calculations had been checked and double checked. It was time.
"Grandfather," said a small voice behind him. "Is it time?"
"Yes." He turned and smiled at Dorah. Six years old, and she alone seemed to understand. "Would you like to push the button?"
She nodded eagerly and clamored over the bodies to reach him. "What will happen first?"
He chuckled and pulled her onto his lap. "First, the long streak of light, whoosh. Then a long silence. Then," he leaned into her ear, "BOOM!"
She giggled and bounced. Yes, she understood. Something so beautiful should not fade away. It should rage, expand, transform. He lifted the clear cover and typed in the final command. Dorah's tiny fist curled, determination incarnate, and slammed onto the shiny red button.
Whoosh.
Silence.
BOOM.
Dorah gasped. The bright white in the distance had flickered for a moment and then seemed to take a deep breath. The outpost station shuddered around them as waves of protest screamed into the emptiness. Dorah cheered and clapped. He grinned, triumphal tears weaving down his many wrinkles and dripping into her hair. The white burst outward, expanding to absorb orbits one by one.
"So fast," Dorah whispered. "Will it reach us?"
"No," he patted her hand. "We're far away." But as the nova spread, he began to wonder. Had he miscalculated? No, he could not have. Dorah cringed away from the stunning brilliance, light obscuring all else. Her frame felt insubstantial against his chest and he put his arms around her. He had not wanted her to be afraid.
They began to feel the heat, the inexorable press of matter and light raging toward them. He set Dorah aside, though she cried now, and pulled up his calculations. Had he missed a step? Slipped a decimal somewhere? They should have been far enough away, and there was no one left to move them back. He had seen to that.
Dorah began to whimper. The temperature had climbed past tolerance. He turned to her, tears of a different sort boiling away before they could drop. He had forgotten, in his focus. The grandness and fury befit a star, but she should not have died in such a way.
He fell to his knees before her and held his arms out. She toppled into them and together they fell to the floor.
Whoosh.
He whispered into her hair. "Rage, rage, against the dying..."
Silence.
BOOM.
End

Dr. Mann Chiu Lee felt it several seconds before he understood what it was. "It", to me, is not a hook. Maybe more specific? The warp bubble had ceased its warbling hum. With his gut already in knots, he moved to the nearest port. The stars should be blurry streaks. Instead, they twinkled back as individually fixed points of light. “Gods,” he whispered.

Lee pushed off the bulkhead and coasted to the nav station. Maybe they somehow already arrived? Something unexpected was bound to happen on this first long-distance test flight. That something didn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing.

Lee slammed a fist against the console. It didn’t have to be a good thing either, he thought. The news on the screen stared back at him. They were many lightyears from their destination, and at a dead stop.

The nearest comms station barked to life. “Lee! What the hell happened?”

“Allison . . . We’ve dropped out. Where are you?”

“I’m at the Nomura tank. You better come down here.”

It took Lee only a few moments to maneuver down one deck and aft. Odyssey was a small vessel. Is this second sentence needed? I feel like this info is implied by the first sentence.

When he arrived, he saw Allison, the only other crew member, keying commands into a panel. A screen inside the tank responded by flashing shapes and colors to the Nomura. The animal didn’t seem to be listening. Black swaths of color swirled about its body. It looked like it had goosebumps, except they roiled in waves across its outer skin.

“What is it showing? Anger? Confusion?” Lee asked.

“I haven’t seen this. Bits of both I would guess. The communicator doesn’t know how to interpret it.”

The Nomura began flashing other emphatic colors: orange, red, and yellow. Its skin vibrated in patches of prickly bubbles that rose and fell. Lee recognized one pattern. It meant herd. He knew this referred to the Nomura’s own family group or, in this particular Nomura’s case, a pod of fellow training animals. The wild Nomura plied the greater oceans of Lee’s adopted world of New Ceres. The colonists were astounded when they discovered that the Nomura created their own hydrogen and used it to rise into the upper atmosphere. However, that was nothing compared to their shock upon learning the Nomura then manipulated spacetime to travel to breeding grounds on the second planet in the system. Eventually, Lee’s people developed the technology and training needed to harness the Nomura to move ships. But the incredible discovery would be of little use, he thought, if it ended in disaster every time they attempted a long trip. This fascinates me but it's a lot of world-building exposition for a flash. How much is this is really critical for the reader?

Despite the coolness in the room, Allison was sweating. Lee knew she was flashing colors and shapes to the Nomura too quickly.

He touched her on the shoulder. “Perhaps let’s give it some time?” Lee hoped his gesture might have a calming effect.

“You know as well as I do we’re dead stinking meat if we don’t get this Nomura working again. What do we have? Maybe a few weeks of food if we stretch things? . . . Why the hell would it stop!”

Chuck, I really like this premise. It reminds me a bit of the Uplift Wars and surrounding universe. As far as Wulf's secrets: I'm not feeling a major emotion yet, and I think the hook could be a little punchier. The rest seems pretty good to me! The exposition is interesting to me, but I'm wondering if it could be delivered in either a smaller package or in a more active way. Best of luck with this!

Ooooh, fresh meat! I mean, fresh Flash! And before Friday's deadline even! Kudos to you both. Great pieces, and I'm happy to see Rebecca checking Chuck's against the Secrets. If one isn't placing frequently in this contest, it's likely the reason is covered somewhere in the SUPER SECRETS. Of course, there are more to come, so it might be in something ahead. But it's likely it's in the ones already posted--some of those are very common problems in new writers' works.

Much better on the saidisms, Chuck! I hope the lesson didn't sting too much--just enough to remember the pain and wince every time you sit down to your keyboard. That's all I ask. : )

Both of Becky's highlighted points are quite valid. You don't have "as you know, Bobs" but you do have an info dump. You can get away with this in a short story, but beware in a Flash. It's much better to work the details in piece by piece than in one big dump. Such as toward your opening. The mission objective should be stated up front as smartly and succinctly as possible. Since the Flash centers on the Nomura, get some reference to them up at the start. And the drop from hyperspace? That's the inciting incident. Still, you have characters in motion, and the story definitely starts at the inciting incident. It's a good way to open. : )

You have a good thing going here, Chuck. I'd refrain from exposing much more, because you have the seeds of a good story here and you don't want to have its first publication rights squandered. I will remind you of another thing: you need a title. And what did I share about titles in the SUPER SUPER SECRETS?

And I wouldn't slam a fist against a console. That stuff inside is delicate. Maybe slap a console, but not slam a fist against it. : )

Becky, you're next. Do you own a bullet proof vest? No reason. Just wondering. : )

Oh, how did you get the bold highlight? Did you do it in your word processor and then paste in here?

All the beast,

~Moon~

Wulf, if you go to the full editor and preview screen there’s bold underline and italics options at the top of the text entry box.

I managed to make some progress on my Q3 yesterday, and I've potentially got some extra hours opening up today, so I may be able to write a flash piece after all. No promises, but it's definitely something I want to try if I can.

Y'all are great. Just tough enough. Get too gentle with me and I'll miss the point. Okay-glad it's not a "as you know Bob," but I agree. Too much at once. I held back the title just to make it less "out there" and also because I'm not quite sure about what I have so far. I'm grabbin around for a SD Moon Girl but can't quite catch one.

Becky-I'll leave it to others to make big picture comments. It seems a good story to me. GRRM wrote a book a long time ago called "Dying of the Light." Does that matter? It was good but he was in his phase of mooning over, writing about, lost love(s). His Taylor Swift era. There was also a Nicholas Cage movie of the same name which was decidedly not good.

It's from a very famous poem by Dylan Thomas. We're all riffing on the same theme, but the real genius wrote the poem in 1947.

Wulf, if you go to the full editor and preview screen there’s bold underline and italics options at the top of the text entry box.

Thanks! I had fallen into the bad habit of using the quick box, and forgot about the full editor. Doh!

Dying of the Light

It was not a grand death. [This is good for a number of reasons. It sets the theme. It is a double entendre. It would appear to be about the star. In fact, it foreshadows the ending. Since the story is a tragedy, Western readers need to be told the protagonist is going to die up front--they feel cheated if you don't. You've accomplished a nice trick, in that you've told us, without it being blatantly obvious. Well done![/i]]
In fact, it was almost mundane. Movement slowed, lightness faded. Mass once vibrant seeped into thin wisps of vapor and finally into nothingness.
"Well," said the old man[Where is he? Character, in a setting, with a problem. We are missing an element. Even saying *said the old man on Galileo XI* would help. .] "That just will not do."
He used his cane [give us some indication he had a weapon and did this slaughter. Perhaps the cane is also a weapon, and you could hint that he'd just finished discharging it ] to step over a prone figure, almost catching the toe of his blue slipper on the outstretched hand. They should not have tried to stop him. Their lack of understanding did not make him wrong, after all. For something as grand as a star, a quiet end would be a universal injustice. He would make it right. [Still unclear as to why he would do this. Is he a madman? Had he escaped from the brig? You can say he's a madman with a twitching eye, all you need. You could say a crazed convict with striped pajamas. We need some motivation behind the madness, even if it's madness, you have to hint at it.]
He settled onto the stiff work stool with habit's groan. The calculations had been checked and double checked. It was time.
"Grandfather," said a small voice behind him. "Is it time?"